


Perceptive

by priscilladm



Series: the missing scenes [2]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Angst, Canon - Anime, Canon - Manga, Edward "I ship Royai like literally everyone else" Elric, F/M, Ishvalan Civil War (mention), Riza "Yeah but we're angsty and trauma bonded so I don't think we can be together" Hawkeye, Royai - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:54:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25818406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/priscilladm/pseuds/priscilladm
Summary: After sharing the truth about the Ishvalan Civil War with Edward Elric, Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye examines what truly motivates her to keep moving forward.Picking up where episode 30 of FMA:B left off (dialogue taken from the dub).
Relationships: Edward Elric & Riza Hawkeye, Riza Hawkeye/Roy Mustang
Series: the missing scenes [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1896961
Comments: 14
Kudos: 61





	Perceptive

“For example: those who were praised as heroes during the Ishvalan campaign will be brought to trial as war criminals.”

Edward looks at Riza in horror. The way his eyes are moving and the way he twitches in his seat, it’s clear he understands exactly what she means.

Much as it hurts to say those words, she knows it to be true. Those lucky enough to come back from Ishval all live by the same unspoken rule: do not talk about it.

As befits a dutiful soldier, she lives by that rule religiously, so this is the first time she divulges any details of her experience in the punishing desert. This is also the first time she shares this much of their plan to anyone, but she is certain that Edward will not betray their confidence. She and Roy want to make things right again—and she knows the Elric brothers are driven by the same motivation, albeit in very different ways.

She continues. “That’s right. In a just, peaceful world—after all that we’ve done—we’ll be seen as mass murderers.”

“And the Colonel is trying to make sure this happens? Isn’t that just like committing suicide?!”

She nods, and she can venture a guess as to what he is thinking: _you’re not a murderer. You were young, you were following orders._ But she knows the true mark of being an adult is recognizing your own free will, something that Edward still has yet to fully learn.

It’s for that reason she doesn’t know what to say in response: she doesn’t seek pity, nor does she need to feel affirmed in her choice. At the end of the day, she knows what she is walking into.

“But the homunculi were the ones pulling the strings. They caused the civil war!”

 _In spite of all his physical and emotional trauma, Edward is still very much a child_ , she reminds herself. It’s clear he doesn’t understand how reparations and atonement work. She can tell that he deeply respects and trusts her, and she is honored that he feels this way. Still, those feelings cloud his ability to recognize both her complexity as a human and her complicity in war.

“Even if they were the ones responsible for it, we were the soldiers who carried it out,” she states, plain as day.

She recognizes his discomfort, knowing his distaste for killing. There was a time in her life when she felt the same way, but that was before she found her raison d'être.

“You should never avert your eyes from death. Never forget the people you’ve killed. Trust me, no matter how much time passes, they will never forget the ones who killed them.”

Edward clenches his fists in anger. “It’s not right!”

Riza smiles gently. This is what children say when their parents tell them they can’t have a dog or play outside past sunset, not when debating the price war criminals should pay in recognition of their sins.

“You don’t have time to start worrying about us. Your hands are already full. You need to look after your brother, Ed,” she says kindly. “And you need to get your bodies back. You better get to it. You’ve got plenty of people waiting for that day.”

Her heart aches thinking of all that Ed and Al have undergone together. She can empathize with the pain of losing a mother so young in life, and with having a distant father whose alchemy seemed more important than anything else. Her loneliness cuts a little deeper these days, and she wouldn’t wish it on those two brothers, so at least they have each other, even in spite of their circumstances.

“So, what about you and the Colonel?” he asks, tinkering with the coffee cup in front of him.

Riza is taken aback at the question and wonders if he senses her own longing for connection. She hears concern and kindness in his voice, which surprises her, since she knows that Ed is hesitant to outwardly demonstrate his respect for Roy. She also senses curiosity, similar to when children ask why the sky is blue or how babies are born.

“What about him?”

“You care about him a lot,” he states.

She nods and attempts to curl her lips up into a smile, but fails to do so with any meaningful joy. “Yes.”

“Are you going to be alright not being with him, now that you’re with Bradley?”

In some ways, being with Bradley is easy for her. Despite the dubious circumstances, he’s always polite and cordial, whether they’re alone or around others. He always says please and thank you, never complains about the level of work in front of him, and is always early to his meetings. It is clear that he has a deep affection for his wife—Riza couldn’t bear to call it love—by the way he calls her every morning when he arrives in the office and every evening when he is leaving. He eats his lunches quietly in his office, usually with a book in hand, and she never sees him drink alcohol.

But in reality, none of this is easy. He makes countless decisions on his own, without any level of accountability to others. He is ruthless and calculated, cunning in all the ways he needs to be. Even though he seems to care about his wife, she also clearly doesn’t know the truth about who he is. And the people who know this truth are either hostages like her or accomplices in his sinister mission.

She thinks to herself that she would much rather go back to the way things were at Eastern Headquarters: merely thinking about how to get Roy to the top, without the worries of entanglement in military conspiracies. But this quickly devolves into a cycle of what-ifs: what if she did not choose to work for him, or become a sniper, or give him the secrets to flame alchemy, or even leave her hometown upon the death of her father.

Still, the biggest what-if, at the end of the day, is much bigger than that.

“The Colonel is perfectly capable of taking care of himself,” she says flatly, fighting the strain in her throat.

Ed shakes his head. “I'm not asking about him,” he responds. “I'm asking if _you’ll_ be alright without him.”

She shrugs. “I have to be,” she states.

This is the truth. She recalls Roy’s reminder, back in the hospital after their defeat of the homunculus Lust, that Riza could never give up on living. Now, any time she feels hopeless, she simply remembers those words. It’s easier said than done, but at the end of the day, she needs to keep living and she needs to keep her cool.

Most importantly, she can’t make it to the other side of this to reunite with him and protect him if she isn’t alright.

“But you love him, don’t you?”

Riza is stunned, though her face doesn’t betray her inner shock. Just moments ago, she pointed out Edward's love for Winry and he was completely flabbergasted by the mere prospect—almost as if his brain were incapable of processing romantic love. Yet here he is, astutely picking up on those very feelings coming from her. Even though she keeps this to herself, there is no doubt in her mind just how much she loves the dark-haired man for whom she works.

She has never loved anyone in this way before. Sometimes she feels embarrassed about it, like when Roy goes on dates and she feels a twinge of jealousy. She knows those dates are for information, but it doesn’t really console her much, so she ends up holding Hayate a little tighter than usual on those evenings. It’s petty, but she also can’t help acting coldly towards him the morning after a date. Then he smiles at her or calls for her, and suddenly everything feels better.

But her love isn’t just because of the way he looks, or the smell of his aftershave when he leans in a little too closely to her. Instead, her devotion is rooted in his profound, unparalleled resolve. He’s certainly not perfect, especially not after Ishval, but she knows he is a good man guided by duty and honor. In fact, his ultimate mission to make things right after the war is what makes him the most honorable man she’s ever known.

She loves how noble he is—this path actively leads to his demise and martyrdom, yet he refuses to stray and trusts her to keep him honest. He wakes up every morning and chooses to work for the benefit of others instead of himself. And as a result, she wakes up every morning, and she chooses him over and over again.

The real what if, that she asks herself far too often: _what if we could choose to be more?_

Still, she knows that isn’t possible, so she tries her absolute best to push it out of her mind, and she’s fairly good at it. She doubts anyone has ever noticed or guessed, since there’s nothing inherently untoward about their relationship with each other. They’re just two people who know each other well.

Or at least, that's what she thinks before this moment. Somehow, Edward is able to piece together just how deeply she feels about Roy. Despite a hardened exterior and more trauma than most adults could even conceive, sitting before her is a child at his very core: inquisitive and perceptive in ways of which he cannot even comprehend the gravity.

The fact that he asks means he already knows the answer.

“That’s a silly question, Edward.”

“Why’s that?”

“I told him, years ago, that I would follow him into Hell if he asked me to. That hasn’t changed.”

She’s been at Roy’s side dutifully for years, and now it feels like she has really followed him all the way there. Her outward composure hides the inner Hell inside: she loves someone she can’t be with, and the sole purpose of her life has been to protect the very person she has been separated from forcibly.

It doesn’t matter though. Weaker people would turn away, but her promise forms her entire being. Her belief in and love for him are not predicated on reciprocation. Sometimes she feels like even calling it love is reductive, because there’s so much more to it than that. She can’t explain it, and she doesn’t even want to try.

Ed grins at her.

“Don’t worry, Lieutenant Hawkeye,” he says playfully. “Your secret, no matter how dumb it is, is safe with me.”

 _There’s the signature pseudo disdain for him_ , she thinks to herself.

“It’s getting late,” she sighs. For the third time tonight, she doesn’t know how to respond to the young alchemist sitting before her. “You should head home. I don’t want Alphonse to worry about you.”

She gets up, Hayate walking quickly behind her as she opens the front door. Ed follows suit and walks into the hallway, kneeling down to the pet the dog goodbye.

“You know he loves you too, right?”

“Hayate is a good dog,” she answers.

Ed laughs as he walks away, and she chuckles a little, too. It feels good to hear someone in her life laugh, even if it’s at her own expense. She knows what he means, and in fact, she knows it’s true.

_Children are so perceptive._

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry not sorry y’all, I’ve gotten really into Riza’s angst recently. The episode hinted at Ed’s blossoming feelings for Winry by way of his wanting to protect her, but I have a hard time believing that Riza knows about this just because. It’s because she knows that feeling and lives it in every part of her life.
> 
> Also, I know we always think of Al as being the gentle brother, but I like this softer side of Ed. He has an affection for Riza, almost as if he views her as an older sister, so I really enjoyed writing this continuation of the anime scene. Hopefully it’s not too OOC.


End file.
